Whether it’s a breakup, a divorce, or even the death of a cherished loved one, it’s hard to overcome the experience of pain or loss. But pain and loss, and especially grief, are not meant to be endured alone. So, when a friend loses something (like a relationship) or someone quite dear to their heart, it’s important to be there for them every step of the way.
However, it’s sometimes difficult to know what to do for them, or even what to say. Comforting them by sending flowers or a card, while a loving gesture, just doesn’t seem like enough. Instead, it’s important to realize that sometimes you don’t have to say anything. You just have to listen and stay by their side through these tougher times. If you struggle to find the words or know how to act, here are five ways in which you can help a friend overcome pain or loss.
1. Listen Well and Refrain from Giving Advice
Listening is the number one way to help a friend overcome pain or loss, being attentive to what they say. And if your friend is quiet, sit in silence and simply be present with them. They may still be reeling and processing their loss. Also, avoid giving advice or trying to explain the event. Your first inclination may be to give advice or reflect their feeling with a similar experience that you once had. While intended with a good nature, try to refrain from doing so. It’s not advice, but your sympathy and understanding, that they need.
In the same vein, avoid giving an explanation for their loss. Saying platitudes like Stay strong or Everything happens for a reason or, if you are spiritual, It’s God’s plan can be seen as repeating empty phrases. And, while meant to console, these platitudes, according to some, are judgmental and controlling, and possibly even discourage your friend from grieving.
2. Remove Burdens and Household Chores
Before this tragic event unfolded, your friend had a routine with daily tasks. Now, with the extra weight of the events, a routine may be the last thing on their mind. Alternatively, it could be adding immense worry as they consider how far behind they are in chores or preparing arrangements if it’s a death.
Take some of the pressure off your friend’s shoulders and take the initiative to help in any way you can. And taking the initiative means not merely saying, Let me know if you need help. It means you take responsibility on yourself. It could be the menial task of laundry or it could be something more emotionally difficult such as making funeral arrangements and calling family members.
However, it’s important to remember to respect your friend’s space as well and not step on their toes or overstep certain boundaries. They may not wish to be treated like they are suddenly incompetent or helpless, either. A more direct approach is to say, I have some free time this week to help with any tasks you might need to get done. The point is that your friend needs time to themselves to process these emotions, not to worry over the little things.
3. Cook Them Meals
If you’ve ever experienced grief or loss yourself, as most of us have, you know it can curb an appetite. Not to mention, you simply may lack the energy to cook, which can lead to a poor appetite consisting of fast food and takeout. Cook a few healthy meals and deliver them to your friend as you check in on them. The best meals to make are ones that don’t require a lot of effort on their part, such as a nourishing casserole dish they can easily heat up in the microwave. A warm mug of soothing hot tea can also soothe. Alternatively, they may want to escape and leave the house for a while. This is especially true for those who have lost a spouse and have a difficult time remaining in the same space they once were. Instead, invite them over for a meal at your place.
4. Let Them Grieve in Their Own Way and Time
Grief is such a complicated emotion. It can trigger tears, of course, but it may also project anger and cause outright breakdowns. Whatever emotions your friend is experiencing, let them do so in their own way, minus causing harm to themselves.
Even if your friend has yet to shed a tear, don’t worry or question their empathy. Instead, ask them if they feel like talking about the loss. Sometimes talking, especially about the person, can open a healthy floodgate of emotion, whether good or bad. While counterintuitive, it’s even appropriate to mention their loved one’s name and, if deceased, candidly ask how they died. Also never push your friend to Move on, especially after a death. Understand that their life is forever altered and that while the grief may diminish over time, the pain and memory of the loss is still there.
5. Stay Available and Connected
Because grief does not have a timetable, it’s important to stay available and connected with your friend even after they seem to have overcome their pain or loss. Mark any significant days in your calendar and set a reminder. When birthdays, holidays, or even the anniversary of the loved one’s death approaches, be sensitive to your friend’s emotions and even let them know you recognize the special day. Ask them how they’re doing and, if it’s the anniversary of a death, don’t be afraid to bring them up or mention their name. You could even give them a cute gift like a heartfelt photo frame. It shows that you remember the person and that your friend’s loss is still a valid pain.
When it comes to pain and loss, everyone reacts differently. Some friends put on a smile and push through the pain, hiding it deep inside. And other friends wear their emotions on their sleeves, embracing grief for a long time. But, while there are many ways to help a friend overcome pain or loss, it’s still important to lend an ear and ask about their emotions. It shows your support and lets them know they’re not alone.
I’m a 20-something stay-at-home mother and wife. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful daughter, two loving dogs, and a lazy cat. I wouldn’t change my life for anything! I love to read, listen to music, cook and blog!
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