Divorce happens. When it does, one of the most difficult considerations for any family is how to share custody over children. Typically, children will spend 277 days out of the year with the custodial parent and around 88 days with the non-custodial parent. This can be a highly emotional and contentious issue during even the most amicable divorce.
One option many people consider is co-parenting. This is a shared parenting arrangement. Both parents remain involved in the child’s life, sharing responsibility and custody even though the parents don’t have a romantic relationship.
Co-parenting can be very rewarding for children. It can:
- Provide stability in the child’s life
- Keep both parents very involved in the child’s life
- Prevent children from feeling like they need to pick up the slack of parental duties
- Promote a solid relationship for the child with both parents
- Teach the child about conflict resolution
Despite the benefits, co-parenting also comes with significant challenges. If you are considering co-parenting, take these three important facets into consideration.
Is Co-Parenting Right for You?
Sometimes co-parenting can be a fantastic option, allowing both parents to stay in contact with their child. Co-parenting can be fulfilling, healthy relationships between parents and children, whatever the relationship status of the parents involved.
However, co-parenting is not a cure-all. There are situations where co-parenting is not a good option. There may even be scenarios in which co-parenting is impossible or not in the best interests of everyone involved.
One key to co-parenting is shared goals. Both parents have to have the same good intentions, even if they aren’t romantically aligned. You should both genuinely want what is best for the child or children. If that is not the case, then you cannot even begin to build a co-parenting plan.
Another crucial component is having shared responsibility. If you are co-parenting it should truly be an equal effort on the part of both parents. If one parent or the other if picking up most of the work, that is not a true co-parenting agreement.
Consider how you would divide tasks and who would be responsible for what. If this arrangement seems equitable, it could be a positive sign that co-parenting will work for your family. If it looks like one person is taking on most of the work, that could be a red flag.
Other red flags include:
- Fighting about how to set up co-parenting
- An inability to divide up tasks equally
- Starkly different priorities for the child or children’s well being
- An inability to set aside grievances to work together.
Any of these warnings could indicate that co-parenting won’t work for your family.
Other more serious concerns could preclude you from choosing to co-parent after a divorce or separation. For example, there may be concerns about domestic violence, which is an assault alleged to have occurred between people with a domestic relationship, such as spouses or parents and children.
If you are not able to co-parent for any reason, you may need to come up with a different plan for your family. If you are in a more dangerous situation where you need to remove a toxic ex from your life, you should take extra precautions in order to ensure you and your children’s safety.
First, you need to recognize that your former partner is not someone you can co-parent with. Recognizing their toxic traits can help you identify how serious the problem is. This can be difficult, especially with the high emotions of separation occurring. Try writing a list of what concerns you have. Then, evaluate them with a clear head to assess your family’s situation.
If you think you are in a potentially toxic or dangerous situation, the next thing you should do is establish strong boundaries. Rather than deciding how to co-parent, decide how to create separation. If it is important to keep your family safe by removing them from a toxic influence.
You might even need to look into a court order. This can help enforce distance and separation if there is a fear of violence to you and your family.
But be aware that sometimes a toxic or dangerous person will ignore even a court order. You might have to take an ex back to court if they refuse to obey a court order. However, it’s vital to enforce that boundary for the sake of your family.
It can be difficult in this kind of situation, but you should also try to establish a normal, healthy life for your family. Even though a toxic ex can attempt to compete with you and tarnish your name, you owe it to your child or children to try to have a normal life. This will also demonstrate to your children how damaging this toxic parent is and why they should stay away too.
When in doubt, take the space you and your family need to feel safe. The most important thing is that your children get to grow up in a healthy environment. Sometimes that means co-parenting and sharing responsibilities with a second, caring parent. But sometimes that means cutting off a toxic influence for the sake of your family.
How Is Divorce Affecting Your Kids?
Even if both parents are amicable and want to maintain a healthy home environment, divorce can be incredibly tough on kids. The abrupt change in their home life and sense of family can have lasting impacts on them.
This is especially true if divorce comes as a result of a traumatic or difficult environment. While 19.2% of couples divorce due to incompatibility, 10.6% divorce due to drug use or drinking, according to a study in The Journey of Family Issues. That implies that for many families, trauma is occurring even before the divorce is decided upon.
All of this is extremely stressful for children. Sometimes, children will feel guilty, as though they helped cause the divorce. Children can also feel anxious and have a sense of loss when their family changes. In a very real way, children may grieve for the dissolution of their family.
However, the benefits of a divorce can boost children’s mental health. Children suffer more living in an environment full of strife or maybe even violence than going through a divorce and living with one parent in a healthier environment.
There are several steps you can take to help your children deal with divorce. This includes:
- Talking: Explain the divorce, how it will work and what it will mean for the child or children’s everyday lives. Don’t leave them in the dark or treat them like they can’t understand. Lay things out in simple terms, but be honest and upfront with what this new family will look like.
- Reassuring: Make it clear to your child that both parents still care for them as much as they ever did. Explain that divorce does not mean that either parent loves them any less. It is important to reassure children as much as possible during this turbulent time full of change and upheaval.
- Being honest: Be honest and upfront about emotions. It’s natural to feel grief, loss, abandonment and a host of other negative emotions at a time like this. Assure your children that these emotions are normal and fine. Make it clear that your child or children can talk to you about their feelings any time they want or need to. A big change in their concept of “family” can make them feel lost. Be there for your children when they feel uncertain and hurt.
- Avoiding blame: Children often heap blame on themselves when divorce occurs. They can start to feel like a burden. This is a dangerous thing for a child to start believing. Make it clear to your child or children that this divorce is not in any way their fault.
- Staying positive: One of the worst things you can do for your family right now is to talk badly about the other parent. Even though you are getting divorced, you need to avoid disparaging the other parent, especially in front of children. This can drag your children into the conflict.
- Giving notice about changes: Don’t let changes in the family structure take your children by surprise. If one parent is going to move out, let your children know well ahead of time. As much as possible, avoid rocking their day-to-day schedules and lifestyles by giving lots of notice about changes.
- Consulting an expert: If you need to, consider consulting an expert such as a family therapist. They can help not only you and your co-parent but also your children. A family therapist can guide your whole family through this transition.
- Being patient: Children might act up or misbehave at this time. There is a lot going on, a lot of changes for them to deal with. Be patient if they are not their usual, well-behaved selves as they adjust to changes to their family.
Consider Different Strategies for Co-Parenting
If you’re sure you want to go ahead with co-parenting, make sure you have a plan for how it will all work.
One great thing you can do to help your entire family adjust to this separation is to make a co-parenting plan as a family. You can even get your children involved. This could be something as simple as figuring out everyone’s schedules together.
Even a step that as simple as that helps children get involved in the process, which can help it feel less scary and overwhelming.
No matter how you do it, having everyone’s schedules on hand is a good idea if you’re thinking about co-parenting. This will let you see what everyone’s needs are and what their commitments entail. As a parent, this also gives you a chance to divide up obligations equitably. Looking at things like children’s school schedules with your co-parent can lead to a better sharing of the work.
You might also need to sort out living arrangements with your children and co-parent. On average, we in the U.S. move about 12 times in our lives. Divorce certainly contributes to this figure.
Sometimes, it’s possible for people who are co-parenting to live together, but often it is better for co-parents to live separately. Having separate lives can make schedules more complicated, but can contribute to a healthier family overall. Decide which is better for your family by examining your needs and priorities.
Once you have a schedule, make sure you stick to it. This is going to be your guiding light for a while. It not only can keep things on track between you and your co-parent, but it can also help create stability for you and your children. That can help reduce any stress and anxiety that your children feel during this time.
You might want to consider getting an app that can allow the family to have a shared calendar. This can allow everyone to have all the information they need about where others are. It can also help make scheduling easier and avoid conflicts before they begin.
You also should share information about important documents and contact information. If the unexpected happens – and it always will when families are involved – both co-parents should have access to all the information and resources they would need to resolve the situation.
Every co-parenting situation is unique. This is not an easy path to take, but it can have huge benefits for your family, especially your children. In the end, any co-parenting situation or divorce comes down to strong, clear communication with your entire family. Even in this painful and difficult time, it is possible to find a solution that is as positive as possible for everyone involved.
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