After some time, almost every relationship or marriage loses a bit of momentum. Often, this happens because you’re stuck in routines and forget that feeling of intense love and excitement that engulfed you at the beginning of your relationship. While many couples can reignite their spark, others can’t and become part of the 40% to 50% of marriages that end in divorce in the United States. An effective way to avoid becoming part of this statistic is to focus on showing your partner that you care about them by speaking their love language.
According to marriage counselor Gary Chapman, there are five love languages. Each love language represents a specific way in which a person needs to express or receive love. Some people fall entirely within one language, while others strongly identify with one or two of them. By identifying your love language and that of your spouse, you’ll be better able to understand what actions make each of you feel special. In turn, this can help bolster healthy communication and your romantic relationship.
Let’s dive into the five different love languages and how you and your partner can determine what your love languages are.
1. Acts of Service
Actions speak louder than words for anyone who identifies with acts of service as their love language. These acts are things that you anticipate your partner wants or needs. This can be anything from cooking dinner to running an errand without being asked. The key to demonstrating this love language is knowing what you can do to make your partner’s life a little easier or sweeter. If they’re among the 87% of people who have painful feet at some time in their lives, give them a foot massage. If you know that they hate doing the laundry, take it upon yourself to do that chore. Whatever it is, taking care of these small details can make them feel seen and loved.
2. Words of Affirmation
For people whose love language is words of affirmation, what you say matters more than anything. Recognition is key to this love language. Someone who’s love language is words of affirmation doesn’t necessarily want you to shower them with compliments so much as they want you to express your appreciation after they’ve done something for you. If your partner walked the dog after dinner so you could relax or planned out your mom’s birthday party, they just want acknowledgment that you see and value the effort they put into the relationship.
3. Receiving Gifts
This love language may seem materialistic or greedy, but people with this language often feel their partner’s love through a gift as simple as a pint of their favorite ice cream. Rather than communicating love through words or actions, these people tell their partner how they feel through thoughtful gifts. Many people may fall into this category, as 86% of people say that receiving flowers makes them feel special. When your loved one sends you flowers, you know that they put the time and energy into picking them out just for you. People with this love language often enjoy saving any little gift so that they can reflect on them, and their partner’s love, whenever they want.
4. Physical Touch
When your partner’s love language is physical touch, it means that they feel most connected when touch is involved. This touch doesn’t have to be intimate. It can be as simple as holding their hand when you walk through a store together or snuggling up on the couch when you’re watching TV. Someone who values physical touch uses forms of physical closeness to show love, rather than showing it through words, actions, or gifts.
5. Quality Time
The last love language that someone can identify with is quality time. With quality time as a love language, a person will value when their partner carves out time to spend with only them. This love language can be a little more difficult to nail down than other ones, at times making it frustrating when someone spends hours with their partner and they still aren’t satisfied. The key to quality time is giving your full attention and focus to your partner. This means putting down your phone, turning off the television, and getting rid of all other distractions when you’re spending time together.
How to Find Your Love Language
To determine what your love language is, try to focus on which aspects of the languages you find most important. Think about what you’ve appreciated the most when your current or past partners did something kind for you. What behaviors made you feel the most loved? What behaviors didn’t mean very much to you? You can also try to use your values in order to find your love language. If you value community, your love language may be acts of service. If you value integrity, it could be words of affirmation.
Work with your partner to find your love languages together. Then, have a conversation about how you can integrate each other’s love languages into your daily lives. By using the love languages to have an open and honest conversation about what you need in a romantic relationship, you just might be able to set off some fireworks in your marriage once again.
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