For parents of pre-teens or teens, figuring out how much independence to give your child can be tough. You want your teenager to learn how to do things on their own because the ultimate goal of raising a child is that they can live successfully and happily on their own.
At the same time, you want to keep them safe. For example, you might want to delay your teen getting their driver’s license as long as you can because you’re worried about them being in an accident, especially as an inexperienced and potentially distracted driver. Yet, simultaneously, teens learning to drive gives them the opportunity to help you with certain chores, get a job and be on their own a bit.
Parents want to balance their desire for their teenagers to become self-sufficient with wanting to keep them safe.
There are also a growing number of teens who don’t seem to be in any hurry to gain independence or do things like getting their license, and that can worry a parent too.
So how independent should your teen be, and what should you know as a parent?
Teens Need Some Control
When children are younger, you probably don’t leave a lot of decision-making up to them, and that’s normal. As they get older, however, they do need a growing level of control over their lives.
Once a child reaches adolescence, they need to manage their own lives in many ways. You are no longer the manager, and if you’re too controlling, it can be a breeding ground for rebellion. Often, when teens have a parent who’s notorious for micro-managing, they’ll politely agree to whatever the limits might be, but then as soon as they get the chance to break the rules, they do.
A teenager who’s healthy and has self-discipline is very often one with control over their life.
Feeling in control of our lives, no matter our age contributes to happiness and success. When we hold the belief that we can influence the outcomes in our lives through our efforts, it has been shown to promote more longevity and health, a reduced risk of drug and alcohol use, better emotional well-being, more intrinsic motivation and self-discipline, and improved academic performance.
Freedom, But with Limits
Of course, teenagers aren’t yet adults, and their freedom needs to happen within some limits or set parameters for their safety and the safety of the people around them.
A parent who allows their child to be a decision-maker in their life isn’t one who’s disengaged or permissive.
Authoritative parenting is a good term to reference here. With authoritative parenting, you set clear limits. You’re engaged in your kids’ lives, but you help them learn how to develop self-control.
Managing Behavior
If you’re in a constantly negative push-pull for power with your teen, there are things you can do to keep them close enough that they’re safe and cared for, but you also prepare them for the real world. These things include:
- Understand how teens develop. For example, if your teen seems to be annoyed with your existence, take a deep breath and remember they’re trying to figure out who they are outside of your identity as their parent. Try not to take things too personally. Of course, this doesn’t mean you let your teen say hurtful things to you, but don’t respond to their frustration or irritation with a temper of your own.
- Set rules as far as respect. No one should tolerate disrespect.
- Know when you should look deeper. Sometimes, teens might appear to be lashing out for nothing to do with you as their parent at all. They could be dealing with something like bullying, in which case, it’s good to open up a dialogue to look a little deeper at what’s going on.
- Stay calm, no matter what. When you’re setting guidelines, again, don’t let your own emotions take over because it will heighten the entire situation.
- Embrace your teens’ new independence. It’s okay for your teen to want more privacy and share less with you. If they seem healthy and you don’t see signs of things like substance abuse or depression, it’s okay for them to put some distance between you and them.
- If you feel empty or upset by your teen’s new independence, this is something you’re going to have to figure out, maybe through new hobbies, taking on a new perspective, or talking about a therapist regarding this new season in your life.
What If Your Teen Fears Independence?
We most often think about teens wanting more independence perhaps than their parents are ready to give them, but what about teens who seem to be afraid of independence?
You might take care of everything for your child. They could be sheltered, not used to household responsibilities, and they could stay connected to the outside world primarily through technology. Teens’ anxiety rates have been soaring in recent decades, and their rates of risk aversion have been as well.
When you try to constantly rescue your teen from poor choices, then you’re removing consequences. When there are no consequences, there’s no sense of motivation. As afraid as you might be of letting your child fail or deal with their own consequences, it’s important to do so.
If you don’t, for example, encourage your teen to be independent when they’re a younger, once they leave for college, or they’re out of the house for the first time, they might have poor time management skills. They’re used to having their parents tell them when they need to do everything, so they can’t schedule their own time. They’re used to having an outside source of motivation rather than one that’s intrinsic.
Teens who don’t experience independence may also, later on, have a fear of being alone. Young adults who fear being alone can feel helpless, blame others for their personal problems, and they might have no goals or interests outside of relationships.
If it sounds like it’s all a balancing act, it is, but ultimately for parents raising teens, there needs to be a push for them to become self-sufficient and independent people, as hard as it may be.
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