Parenting looks a lot different than it did during our childhood. Instead of sending kids out to play from sunup to sundown, we spend a lot of our time monitoring everything they do, even to the point of earning the moniker of ‘helicopter parents’ something that is often said with more than a little bit of disgust in their voices. Something that might have been instinctual in earlier generations cultivating a healthy relationship with your children has become more difficult with each passing year. With that in mind, here are some ways that you can cultivate that healthy relationship with your kids as a modern parent.
1. Hugs Are More Important Than You Might Think
We live in a world that’s so steeped in the digital that it’s easy to forget that physical contact isn’t just a great way to show affection it’s also necessary for our survival. A family therapist named Virginia Satir once said: “We need four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance, and 12 hugs a day for growth.” Even science has shown that people who get hugged more often are less likely to get sick. A hug causes your brain to produce oxytocin and serotonin the feel-good chemicals which help to build a healthy relationship with your kids. Offer hugs often.
2. Don’t Forget to Play
Hugs aren’t the only thing that encourages our brains to produce oxytocin. Play is probably the most important tool in your relationship-building arsenal. Don’t just send your kids out to play while you sit on the bench get in there with them and start having fun yourself. You might be surprised how much better you feel and how much stronger your relationship is after spending some time on the playground instead of on the bench.
3. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
This becomes more important as your children start to reach their pre-teen and teenage years, but setting boundaries can help you form healthy relationships even earlier in their lives. You want to build a healthy relationship with your child, not a co-dependant one where you can’t separate their needs from your own. Even something as simple as respecting a closed bathroom door unless asked for help can tell your kids that you respect their boundaries and that they, in turn, should respect yours. That sort of respect helps to build lasting healthy relationships.
4. Disconnect
We’re surrounded by devices that are connected to the internet, from smartphones and tablets to our computers and even some of our appliances. We’re steeped in technology but while it can help us stay connected with friends and loved ones outside of our household, it can lead to a division between those living under the same roof. When you’re working on your relationship with your children, disconnect. Shut off the phone, close the laptop, and be present in the moment. Don’t make your kids feel like they have to compete with your devices to get your attention.
5. Spend Time One On One
This is especially important if you have more than one child, even if they’re very close in age. You can all build your relationships together as a family, but you will also want to spend some time with each child one-on-one, even if it’s just 15 minutes a day to talk about what they did at school or whatever is on their mind. Even just spending 15 minutes with them, without anyone else overhearing or interrupting, can make a huge difference when it comes to building a healthy relationship.
6. Use Empathy
Emotions are messy and can be annoying but they’re also one of the only ways that your child has to express themself, especially when they’re young. Don’t disregard their emotions or get annoyed because they don’t react to a situation like you would or you think they should. instead, make it a point to use empathy. Try to understand why they’re feeling a particular way, and relate to them instead of just brushing them off.
7. Just Be There
When it comes down to it, the best thing you can do to build a healthy relationship with your child is to be there for them. Yes, you’re their parent but you’re also a human being. Not everything needs to be a teaching moment or something that you need to correct. Just be there for them, whether that means crying together over a gallon of chocolate ice cream with two spoons, or helping them figure out the best way to approach a new situation.
Looking Forward
For children, our parents are the first people that we know and trust in the world. It’s up to us as parents to be willing to build those relationships and nurture them, even when it’s challenging or it feels like our kids want nothing to do with you. We’ll let you in on a little secret here they might hate you today but tomorrow they’ll want to ask you a question or just seek you out for a hug. Make it a point to foster that relationship. You won’t regret it.
I’m a 20-something stay-at-home mother and wife. I have an amazing husband, a beautiful daughter, two loving dogs, and a lazy cat. I wouldn’t change my life for anything! I love to read, listen to music, cook and blog!
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