Studies have proven that what effects children most in times of divorce is not necessarily the divorce itself, but the conflict and friction between their parents. If all divorced parents knew this, chances are children in these circumstances would be a lot better off. The more the adults can do to minimize tension between eachother and in the household, the better off their children will be. Although divorce becomes a major aspect of your life, complaining about the process, specifics, or the other partner in general greatly harms the kids involved; keeping them out of the details saves them from heartbreak they don’t need to endure. The relationships we are a witness to in our childhood have a direct impact on what we view as normal and acceptable; as a parent it’s your duty to model healthy relationships and give your chlidren something to look up to. You don’t want to impact their future relationship by involving them in the daily happenings of your divorce stress. Below we detail ways to minimize these negative effects on your children during divorce below.
Avoid Negative Talk About the Other Parent
In regards to the effects on children, the most common mistake made in divorce cases is one parent speaking harshly or negatively about the other. Children love both parents and just want to see them get along; hearing harmful words about one or the other is painful to hear and making them endure such talk is anxiety inducing.
Kids know they are part of their dad and part of their mom – if there’s something wrong with their dad, per say, then there must be something wrong with them as well. Although it’s not realistic to assume a situation with no negative talk, reducing these instances and even making positive remarks will greatly increase the morale of the children. Kids will hold on to things their parents say for the entirety of their life – in hard times like divorce the words spoken are heightened and taken more seriously. When adults portray strong emotions they otherwise don’t on a regular basis, what they say is taken to very seriously by their children.
Avoid the Details of “Who Gets What”
Your son or daughter don’t need to know how much your “greedy wife” is asking for in alimony or child support, says Billings Law in Humble. Nor do they need to know what their lawyer is asking you to sign. Your children are not your friends, your therapist, or just someone to vent to; they look up to you and trust you as their source of knowledge and guidance. Put yourself in their shoes and look through a different lens before opening your mouth.
Don’t Make Your Children Choose Sides
Making your children choose between parents in any way whatsoever is wrong. They don’t want to upset one parent, take sides, or hurt anyone’s feelings.
Letting them keep their role as kids in this whole divorce process will refrain from inducing anxiety or other negative feelings that could otherwise be avoided. Don’t take what they say personally either; they are being dragged into a situation they have no control over and will get emotional at times. Let them express themselves and don’t have any biases towards what they might say.
Let Kids be Kids
At the end of the day, the most important aspect of your divorce is keeping your children happy and healthy. The easier and less volatile you make this whole process, the better off they will be. Your responsibility as a parent should be your #1 priority, and if it is, the rest will fall into place.
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